The writing is not very good. On the bright side, this is game writing, so it's not necessarily going to be in this format.





I think you should divide your categories up differently. Stick to the main points:


1. Game type: Not "first person", that is a perspective. Is this an fps game with some rpg elements? That's what your description suggests. Is it single-player, again as your description suggest? Is it a sandbox game or a linear story-line? Also, you list only three platforms, but then say it is for "all"... Which is it?


2. Plot: What is the overarching plot? This is not for players to read, so you don't need to be mysterious about it. What is the inciting incident, the scene which opens the game's storyline? You seem to have done some writing for that, although is is prose as opposed to being written in script format.


3. Character: Who is the main character? What is some backstory? How did they end up in the situation?


4. Mechanics: What mechanics do you offer that make this a game worth playing? How are they similar to or different from the sort of mechanics usually found in this genre?


5. Combat Style: Be specific. Hand-to-hand? Guns? "Swords" are not high-tech, they are low-tech. What are the capabilities of the power armor? Why does it need shoulder lamps? Are the enemies AI-controlled or do they follow set patterns?




You need to separate the story from the gameplay so that a reader understands how things work.

To all the replies.

This is feedback someone desires. To find out whether or not a person 'is' or 'is not' heading in the right direction with a story, without the
qualifications so far as a dedicated writer, and to find out if this is what path they should follow.

It is pretty clear to me that I have a long way to go, and it is clear to me that there are people here with proffessional backgrounds
in the field that I am looking to consider somewhere down the line, that much I understand. And appreciate highly.

It is this type of feedback on my idea that has now made me on my own basis progress over time and work on. Break it apart, and consider listening to opinions
and changes to make a story better. Thats what makes someone power ahead, who doesn't have the accreditations yet.

I could sit here and pick apart the replies with quotes from each, but overall the replies from all are fine and great. It is what someone wants to hear.

Thanks for all the feedback, and apologies for any miscommunications on my behalf.

One thing I think I could add, although it has been mostly been covered by Joe, is that you seem to be writing a book more than a script or at least you are explain the characters movement etc. much like a book would. In fact is almost seems like you tried to do it like a script would, aka "X character moves to position Y and looks up", but decided against it. If you truly plan for this to be a story told through the medium of game you will save yourself a lot of time and effort if you write it like it's for a game from the start. Just think of how you want to get the story across, in your case I'm guessing cut scenes, and then write it to fit that medium accordingly.